a lack of color.

i’m going to just be done with this tumblr as part of my recovery. it just makes me dwell on things i shouldn’t be overthinking.

so, if for some reason you want to know me as an actual, positive person, let me know and i’ll send you to my tumblr where i’m becoming an optimist.

as always, thanks for listening.

so…i haven’t really been on here because i’m trying to figure shit out and move on and i guess it doesn’t really help my mood to read a dashboard full of other people feeling awful. basically i’m trying to go through the process of getting back to college for spring semester, but my university is making it like, as difficult as possible. it’s hugely stressful and my sleep is all off because it’s making me so anxious. i went through a bunch of different medical tests and treatments and doctors and whatnot this year, but i still don’t have any more idea of what really is wrong with me than i did at the beginning of the year. for now i’m just trying to suck it up, and try to put my energy into schoolwork and making myself physically healthier if i can. sometimes i feel absolutely great, i really do. i’m trying. but i still can’t turn off the inherent mechanism i seem to have that makes anything stress me out severely…and going through more attempts of treatment, like my mom wants me to do, would honestly stress me out even more because i know that all the last times i’ve gotten my hopes up and it’s failed. i don’t know what’s going to happen when i’m back in the city, overloaded with work, essentially by myself, and surrounded by people i don’t know…but thinking about it, it’s probably better than being isolated here by myself even longer. i’ve never been so uncertain about my future in my entire life.

thanks for listening.

every time i get to the point where i feel like maybe i have a couple of real friends…they immediately do or say things that makes me realize, no, they really don’t fucking know me at all. and maybe i don’t know them. so then i feel awful and alone, which restarts the cycle of me looking for someone to regard as a friend, which leads to me discovering that they don’t give a fuck…and so on and so forth.

and still not a fucking clue what i’m doing.

another holiday, another million reminders of how alone i am.
thanks, world. 

one of the worst days of my life.

about deleting this tumblr because i think it might be more hurtful than helpful.

my depression and anxiety are fighting each other.
the depression makes me want to sleep 24/7…but anxiety is making it literally impossible. i fell asleep sometime after 6 am and woke up already stressed out at 10.

i just want it to end. i’m too tired for this.